As Told by a Minion
by leo hime san
Summary: Ever wondered what is was like as a youma in Queen Beryl's army? An intelligent youma at that? Wonder no more as we take a look through the eyes of such a youma. Rated PG for some swearing. (Ch 3: Author's Note)
1. Prelude to Stupidity

Title: As Told by a Minion

Written by: leo hime san

Started: June 6, 2003

Chapter one finished: June 16, 2003 

Rating: PG

Notes:  Hello!  This is my first real attempt at writing fan fiction, so I hope you'll enjoy it.  Just for the record, I do not own Sailor Moon nor did I create it.  I wish I did, because I wouldn't have to be taking commissions in order to stay alive.  On that note, I do not own the Matrix movies either.  Stop asking me that.  Also, this fanfic was written in British English rather than the American spellings. I set my spellchecker to British and I have my Oxford dictionary, so the words are spelt as they're used in Jamaica (my home!) and in England.  That's all for now!  Happy reading!

Oh yea.  Thank you, Shard, for helping me to name this chapter!  Also, I am looking for an excellent editor/beta reader to aid me with my stories.  If you feel that you are up to the job or if there is someone that you'd like to recommend, please e-mail me at leo_hime_san@hotmail.com.  Thank you!

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Chapter One:  Prelude to Stupidity

Things were getting pretty quiet in the Negaverse.  When I say 'quiet', I actually mean that Beryl-sama was no longer ranting and raving about some Queen that had made her life miserable some untold amount of years ago.  Not that I'm saying that I _missed _the old hag's whining, but her silence sometimes had a way of being worse than her complaining.  Anyway, I think I may have lost some of you so I'll back up a bit and explain the situation.  My name is Aoi.  I'm a youma in Beryl-sama's Negaverse army, newly trained, female, and leonine in appearance and very much a rookie in the eyes of the other youma.  If my greenness wasn't already bad enough, the fact that my trainer had been Zoicite made me an even greater laughingstock.  After all, the man had the unnerving tendency to behave like a giggly, giddy woman rather than one of Beryl's finest soldiers!  What, you think his hair twirling and that sakura petal show of his is _manly_?  Please.

            So there I was, fresh out of training and without a single task for me to do.  Apart from sneaking off to explore earth (whatever humans may lack in attentiveness, they more than made up for it with their 'movies') and speaking with my fellow Negaverse minions...er…warriors, my days were practically spent being bored silly.  From what I had learnt from the other youma and General Zoicite (when he wasn't busy throwing himself at General Malachite, that is), our dearly beloved Queen had been trying to lay siege to the planet Earth and its oblivious human inhabitants for quite a while.  What should have been an idiotically easy task had been made difficult with the sudden appearance of a group of female senshi.  They were thought to be remnants of the army of the ancient Queen that Beryl-sama had fought.  These senshi were formidable, the other youma told me with a shudder.  They were an annoyance, Beryl often hissed at all hours of the day.  They had great hair and makeup, General Zoicite had often murmured enviously, and 'the cutest little pleated skirts'.  I told you the man was a chich.  

With this in mind, I had studied all that I could have about these senshi. From reports sent in by various scouts and warrior youma, all now deceased, I learnt that they were based in Tokyo, Japan and, with the exception of the apparently slow-witted and immature leader, possessed nature-based powers.  The more I learnt, the more I realized how defenceless the Earth really was and that Beryl-sama (with all due respect) was an idiot.

            I was in my quarters (if you can call the dank, moss ridden hole I was given'quarters') when a messenger youma made his way to my door.  It seems that it (for want of a better word) had been in quite a hurry, as it took it a while to say what it had to say.  In between it's panting, I learnt that Beryl-sama had called a meeting of her highest-ranking youma and generals. I tried to tell it that I was far from high-ranking, but the thing had already shuffled off at top speed to the next festering muck-hole on the corridor.  I shrugged, deciding not to bother it.  Given the haemorrhoid wipes Beryl had placed in such an honoured position, I figured that summoning a rookie was a step up on her part.  As I walked towards Beryl's throne room, I realized that this might be the perfect chance to reveal my findings and suggestions for future attacks.  After all, since Earth was of such a great importance to the Negaverse and the previous methods had failed miserably, what did I have to lose?  

As it turned out, the price was a lifetime's worth of patience.

            The meeting began as it usually did, with Beryl-sama ranting about 'those wretched senshi' and whatnot.  Remember when I told you earlier how belligerent she could be?  I believe that that was a major understatement on my part.  Whine, whine, whine!  The senshi took the last crystal, boo hoo!  Waaah, we need more energy!  Those confounded senshi (confounded is my word.  No force in the Negaverse will get me to repeat what she actually said) would pay and on and on she went. If Metallia was more of a maternal figure, I'm dead sure that Beryl would have run to her all rivers of tears and sucking both thumbs.  To tell you the truth, I failed to see much of a difference between Beryl-sama and Sailor Moon (who was an expert cry-baby according to the reports) whenever she got into those moods of hers.  Don't tell her I said that.  She'd kill me.

            However, after five minutes of her whining, I figured that the possibility of a lethal energy blast with my name on it wasn't such a bad way to die.  My mind was made up.  What I was about to do would certainly rank as high treason in Beryl-sama's eyes.

            I cleared my throat.

            She stopped in the midst of her tirade and fixed me with a glare.

"What is it?"  She snapped acridly, narrowing her yellow eyes in an attempt to subdue me.  Beryl-sama may be the headcheese in this dimension, but she's going to have to get up pretty early in the morning if she thought that a mere glare was going to do the trick.

Instead, I merely straightened a bow on my uniform and flicked off a speck of dust before meeting her gaze once more.

"I believe you called this meeting in order to discuss something important, honoured Queen."  I said quietly and gracefully, giving my best impersonation of the dependent lackey.  I may not have warm feelings towards the woman, but I can sling it with the best of them.  The bit of brown nosing seemed to have done the trick, as I was still standing at the end of my sentence.  Go me.

"Ah yes, that's right!  Once again, those wretched Senshi have disrupted yet another of our plans to steal energy and build our forces!  They must be stopped!  They must be.."

"Excuse me, oh honoured Queen of the Negaverse."  I interrupted again, not even bothering to clear my throat or monitor my patience.  Later checks would reveal that I had long past the point of no return and had been running on empty.  

"No offence to you, our most gracious Queen, but does this meeting happen to have a point?"

            There was the sudden sound of shuffling feet as the youma to the left and right of me swiftly scuttled away, leaving me an easy target for and themselves relatively safe from any possible if not impending attack of wrath.  I can't blame them, for at that very moment Beryl was looking at me with a homicidal gleam in her freakish eyes.  I'll retract my last comment about her having to wake up early.  The gleam was winning and winning rather well. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I detected a sharp rise in her aura.  Oh fudge.  If I were to have an icicle's chance in hell of surviving, it was time for a little acting, some more bull and a lot of nerve.

"Forgive my forwardness, Beryl-sama.  What I meant to say was," I began, slinging the good ole bull excrement as thickly as possible.  "We already know how great a threat the Sailor Senshi pose to our operations on Earth.  It is but this humble minion's request to learn if you have formulated a new plan to thwart them."

Hmm, maybe I overdid the slinging or maybe my vocabulary hadn't caught up with Beryl's brain cells as yet.  Either way, she sat there looking just about as dumbfounded as I had been while listening to that Colonel Sanders looking guy in Matrix Reloaded.  Forget dumbfounded; our Fearless Leader was in the Land of the Lost.  A quick look around the room proved that the other youma (and a few Generals) weren't too far behind her.

"How are we going to kick their asses?"  I asked in layman's terms, mentally rubbing my temples as I did so.  The stupidly lost look vanished from Beryl's eyes and she regained her usual arrogance.  An extra life point for me, you go girl!  Now that I was in the clear, all I had to do was listen to Beryl's newest brainstorm, add my findings and the Negaverse would be assured victory.

"We will attack the Juuban district of Tokyo!"  Beryl announced proudly, and all my hopes went out the window.  Well, not all my hopes.  Juuban _was_ a pretty large place, with lots of sites that were frequented by humans.  Now all she had to do was pick anywhere but…

"The park will be an easy source of human energy!  There we will launch our attack!"

Oh sweet Jesus.  The woman had me at the point where I was begging a human holy man for help!  Frig staying alive, this madness had to end this instant!

"Excuse me, Beryl-sama!"

            Once again, there was a shuffling of feet as youma scurried from close proximity to the impudent little minion.  Kami, what a bunch of pussies.

"We've launched numerous attacks on Juuban Park.  In fact, we've launched _most_ of our attacks on Juuban Park and all of those attacks have failed, Beryl-sama!"  I informed her bluntly, deliberately ignoring the resumption of scurrying on either side of the room.  

"May I suggest another site to attack, your highness?"

Beryl sat back on her throne, regarding me with a wary eye.

"Why?"

My jaw dropped.  At least it did in my mind.  I found it downright difficult to believe that she didn't see the reason.  Just how many brain cells were sacrificed when she sold her soul to Metallia?

"With all due respect, my Queen, Tokyo is the base of the Sailor Senshi.  In the past, concentrating our attacks in that city and _only_ in that city has cost us a great deal.  If we were to focus our attacks on other cities simultaneously, the senshi wouldn't be able to defeat us quite so easily.  In fact, they would probably be forced to separate and tackle each of those sites individually. Past encounters have proven that they fight best as a group, so separating them would render each senshi relatively defenceless.  Thus, not only would we be able to gather the human energy we'd need, we'd also have a boost of senshi energy as well."  I explained, finishing off my speech with a smile.  There, I've said it.  Not even Beryl would be able to miss the logic in that.

The dumb look had returned to her face.  Hmm, apparently she did.

"Also, Beryl-sama," I continued, hoping that my next bit of news would clear the fog in her brain.  "My data indicates that no other country on the planet is protected by senshi of any form.  Therefore, if we decided to forgo Japan altogether, we could make a killing with the human energy we'd be able to steal!  Think about it, my Queen.  Millions of unsuspecting humans and no senshi around for miles!  We could gather all that energy, strengthen our forces, _then_ attack Japan full force, retrieve the *Silver Crystal and leave the senshi lying in the dust!"  I finished off with an even tighter, wider grin than before.  I hope my second speech did the trick; I don't know how much more of this I'd be able to take.

In all honesty, Beryl-sama did take some time to mull it over.  _Apparently_ took some time to mull it over, I should say, for the next thing out of her mouth was:

"We'll attack Juuban Park tonight!"

Sweet Jesus. 

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Author's notes:  

There it is; the first chapter!  I put that asterisk in front of 'Silver Crystal' because I forgot how to spell the Japanese name for it.  If anyone would be kind enough to tell me, I'd be very happy indeed.  Now that that's done, please read and review!  I'd love to get feedback on my first solo fanfic ever!


	2. Fo' Shizzle

Title: As Told by a Minion

Written by: leo hime san

Started: June 16, 2003

Chapter Two finished: June 30, 2003 

Rating: PG

Notes:  Gah!  My paragraphs became completely screwed up in the last chapter!  It looked perfect before I uploaded it (sighs).  Oh well, what to do.

I'm sorry for taking so long to produce this second chapter.  Seeing as so many people loved the first chapter, I didn't want this one to end up like a movie sequel: trying to outdo the first and ending up failing miserably.  I hope this second chapter meets your expectations and then some.

I'd like to say thank you to all who reviewed my first chapter, especially to Sangrita deLenfent and Ismail Saeed for telling me the Japanese word for 'silver crystal'.  Thanks all of you for your kind words and your encouragement.  Also, thanks to my new editor, Jack, for the title of this chapter.  It wasn't what I had expected, but it works!  I hope that this chapter will also be to your liking.  Once again, all spellings are done in **British English** rather than American and Sailor Moon is still not under my ownership.  Neither is Sean Paul or any movie that is mentioned below.  Enjoy!

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Chapter Two:  Fo' Shizzle

            During my excursions on Earth, I often came across many colourful proverbs that humans used to motivate their lives.  One of these was 'If at first you don't succeed, try and try again'.  The other, undoubtedly the bastardised high school version of the original proverb, went 'If at first you don't succeed, frig the world and smoke some weed'.

            I am dead certain that Beryl-sama was practising a combination of the two.  Her level of stupidity is made, not born.

            I was still trying to comprehend the depths of Beryl's mental retardation as I teleported to the park, accompanied by myself and I.  Under normal circumstances, my first mission would have seen me heading out under the guidance of the General whom had trained me.  At first, I thought Beryl had decided to send me on a solo mission due to my apparent act of insubordination during the meeting.  Shortly before I departed the Negaverse, I learnt that she had discovered General Zoicite using her body wash (and her bath tub) immediately after the meeting concluded and proceeded to blast the living daylights out of him. I scoffed.  If such a man was willing to risk his life for a bath product, then I was better off alone.  I doubt General Zoicite will be worrying about smelling springtime fresh for a while.  Second-degree burns tend to do that to you.

            Finally, I arrived at the much-abhorred Juuban Park.  It was dusk, thus giving the sky an interesting gradient of dark blue and pale pink.  The shadows were beginning to immerge from the trees, granting me necessary cover as I moved through the park in search of humans.  It was agonisingly boring.  During the first 20 minutes, my little nature ramble led me to two squirrels, a family of ducks, an empty condom packet (I raised an eyebrow at _this_ one) and an unopened box containing a Lord of the Rings action figure which I promptly stored away in my subspace pocket.  Maybe Beryl didn't realise this (which I knew she didn't), but humans tended to _avoid_ dark, bushy places such as the park come nightfall.  No human in their right mind would put themselves in a situation like that. They even made low budget, stupid yet mildly entertaining slasher movies to illustrate that very point!  Oh come on now, Fearless Leader!  A _park_? Who in the…. wait, was that music?

            The energetic sound of dance music floated rather faintly from my far left.  I recognized the tune as being that of one of Sean Paul's latest songs, a human whose music was apparently drawing crowds at many of Earth's dancing establishments and was from an island nation that, unlike _this_ particular island nation, had no senshi.  I quickly shook my head free of that thought, still sorely upset that I was sent to the scene of so many failed attacks.  It briefly crossed my mind to attack a nightclub instead of a park (in a mass of gyrating humans, who'd notice a lion-like chick siphoning off some energy?) but I decided against it.  

Orders were orders, regardless of the mental incompetence from which they were uttered.  

Closely following the music, I soon came upon a young boy (what humans referred to as a 'teenager') doing what I can only describe as an epileptic fit to the song being emitted from his CD player.  I stared with disgust as his blasphemous movements, which were completely uncoordinated with the rhythm of the song.  Just _what_ did he think he was _doing_?  I was viewing the life-action version of the 'Mr. Feather Dance Sequence' from Undercover Brother, with 'Get Busy' being the brutalised song.  Maybe there was a reason why this particular human was at the park at this hour.  No doubt, he wanted to spare himself the shame, embarrassment and ass whipping he'd surely recieve had he been with his peers.  

Shows what _he_ knows.

            Having decided to put this poor, graceless bastard out his misery  (it was either that or hang myself with my coat sleeves), I stepped out of the shadows and approached him.  He was so caught up in…whatever he was doing that he didn't notice me until he turned around in the middle of a spin.  He stood frozen in a dance pose and stared at me slack jawed for a few seconds.  I was almost expecting him to run screaming into the night within the rest of the minute when he suddenly cracked a goofy smile and pointed at me.

"Kick _ass_ costume, brah!" he proclaimed gleefully, his eyes lighting up with childish delight under bangs of bleached hair.

            I blinked, quite dumbfounded at the actions of my chosen meal ticket.  A _costume_?  _Brah_? Did he not see that I was a female?  I was so lost in trying to comprehend what was going on that I almost missed his next statement.

"Yo, you lookin' damn fine in that outfit, sweetness!"  He purred as he circled me in an attempt to get a better look at my 'clothing'.  I groaned in disgust and disbelief.  First, I had to endure the dimwittedness of Queen Beryl and now deal with mental sexual harassment from some Japanese nincompoop that thinks he's from 'da hood'? 

My day just went from crappy to piss poor, honestly.

"What you all dressed up for, hun; an anime convention?  I be digging the way you blending da Cat Girl and Revolutionary Girl thang, sweetness!"

_Sweetness_?  Is that how this cretin talks to women…well, females?  Just what in the…. is that _lust_ I'm seeing in his eyes?  That did it.  There was no way I was going to stand for impudence from some prepubescent, acne-ridden waste of a conception!

            "Excuse _me_.  This is not a costume and I am not 'sweetness'.  My name is Aoi, a soldier of Queen Beryl's army and I _demand_ that you show me some respect this instant!"  I said slowly and carefully with just a small amount of the sheer rage I was currently experiencing.  Usually, that was enough to do the trick and had sent many an annoying male youma scurrying for cover in the past.

            Instead, the earth-boy laughed.  

            "Whatever you say, sugar!" He drawled lazily, and then he did the one thing that completely sealed his fate,

            He grabbed my backside.

            The skinny ass little fart house grabbed my backside.

            The skinny ass, grater faced, obnoxious little fart house had the gall to grab my backside.

            The gloves were coming off and may the God of this planet have mercy on his ignorant ass.

The licentious look in his eyes was quickly replaced by terror after I had him up against a tree with a clawed hand gripped tightly around his throat.  I was shaking with rage; he was pissing his pants.  I'd say we were even.

            "Maybe you didn't hear me clearly, you sad sack of excrement!" I growled at his rapidly paling face.  "This is not a costume, I am not 'sweetness' and you are certainly pissing me off!"

            He blinked and licked his trembling lips, gasping for air through his now narrowed airway.

            "Fo' shizzle?"  He wheezed, trembling like a leaf in a gale.

            I narrowed my eyes before applying slightly more pressure to his neck and moving my lips closer to his ear.

            "Fo' shizzle."

            I brought my face in front of his once more, his fear seeping through the few unclogged pores he had.  I cleared my throat before continuing to enlighten him.

            "Now that we've cleared that little hurdle, let me fill you in on a few details."  I stated with a sneer.  "As I said before you signed your death warrant (he actually had the decency to look ashamed at this), my name is Aoi.  I am a youma for Queen Beryl's army, and I was sent to collect energy to further our cause."

            As I spoke, I positioned my free hand a foot away from his face.  I saw him glance at it, probably wondering what I was planning to do with him.  I smirked.  He'd learn soon enough.

            "Now, perhaps you can tell me what our primary energy source is?"

            He blinked rather stupidly before sinking into deep thought.  After a minute, a hopeful expression dawned on his face and with 100% certainty in his voice he croaked his answer.

            "Energizer batteries?"

            Sweet Mother of Christ.

            I decided not to waste any more time with the buffoon and caused an energy collecting aura ball to materialise in my free hand.

            "Wrong answer, numb nuts." I murmured at him shortly before I drained him of his spirit energy, leaving just enough in him to keep him alive yet comatose.  Grateful that the mission was complete, I happily let the wretch's body slump to the grassy floor while I transferred the newly filled ball to the Negaverse.  I was actually surprised that I was able to fill my quota with just one human.  For such a little sod, he had an energy equivalent of five adults wrapped in his skinny frame. I smiled to myself.  Not only would Beryl-sama be happy with the energy boost, I've managed to preserve a human female from the advances of one uncouth bastard and I had more than enough time to kill for the duration of my stay.  

A few minutes later, I was strolling towards a Juuban park exit with a smile on my face, my gloves back on my hands, about 2000 yen in my pocket (courtesy of Mr. Out Cold by the tree) and ready for a night at the movies.  I was in no hurry to return to the Negaverse.  After all, I've sent the energy along and Beryl-sama was probably torturing some poor sap of a youma at this very moment.  Besides, I needed a good action movie tonight.  Maybe Charlie's Angels 2 or The Italian job or…

"Hold it right there, Negascum!"

Oh great.  This was just _perfect_.  Although she had arrived a lot later than expected, I _really_ didn't want to have to deal with her now.  Stifling a groan of agony at how close I'd been to getting away and cursing myself for not teleporting to the cinema instead of walking, I slowly turned around to meet the voice's owner.  There, panting quite heavily stood a short blond girl in a pair of red calf-high boots and a sailor outfit.  She was striking a strange pose with her arms and staring straight at me.  

No introductions were necessary, I thought as I tucked my hands into my coat pockets.  Attempting to lock me in a stare me down and still very winded was the much-detested senshi: Sailor Moon.

I hate my life.

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Author's Notes:  There!  The second in a three-part story!  I'm glad this chapter's finished; it took me a while to plot out and write. I hope to wrap this up neatly and hilariously in the third chapter.  I don't want this story to drag out to the point where it loses its flavour.  Please review this chapter and tell me how it seemed to you.  I probably had five people read it before I posted it up, but I'm won't be satisfied until I've heard from you. :D  I won't make any promises to post the third chapter a lot sooner than I've done with this one.  Seeing as it'll be the concluding chapter, I want it to be great.  Thank you!


	3. A word from the Leo Princess

Author's Note:

Good Lord, I hate reading these and I hate having to write one!  Just letting you know that I'm working on the third chapter of 'As told by a Minion' and it is killing me!  I do plan on getting it done, so please don't send anyone around to firebomb my humble abode.  My many apologises!

By the way, Chapter 3 is appearing to be getting quite long (mentally anyway), so I'd like your opinion.  Should I split it into Chapter 3 and 4 or just let you read a long chapter?  Once again, sorry to be taking so flipping long and I will be removing this note when the chapter is finally ready.:)


	4. My apologies to my readers

People, please forgive me! I've been in the grips of a nasty writer's block for well over 2 years now. It partly started from stress in the latter part of summer 2003, and it got worse over the 2003-2004 academic year….after which I was let go from college. My ego has taken a beating and, right now, I'm studying at another institution. I hope to complete the story with the help of friends since I am of know use to myself. I only hope that my writing muse will return.

Sincerely,

Peta-Ann a.k.a Leo Princess


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